PUBLISHER'S FOREWORD

John Bunyan was born at Elstow, near Bedford, England, sometime in the

fall of 1628, the first of three children born to Thomas and Margaret

Bunyan.  The parish register indicates that he was baptized on November

30, 1628.

In Grace Abounding Bunyan describes his descent as "of a low and

inconsiderable generation."  He had particular disdain for his father's

house; to him it was "of a rank that is meanest and most despised of all

the families in the land."

Sir Walter Scott thought John Bunyan was of gypsy descent, because his

father was a traveling tinker, a mender of pots and pans.  But

historians view the occupation as somewhat like that of "village

blacksmith."  The Bunyans were not homeless; they were landowners, but

of peasant stock.

Bunyan's schooling was of brief duration, and it wasn't long before he

was assisting his father and learning the trade himself.  On his

sixteenth birthday Bunyan joined Cromwell's New Model Army, introducing

him to the Puritan movement.  After this military stint, he settled down

as a tinker ("brazier") and married at the age of twenty.

In 1653 Bunyan joined the Puritan Free Church in Bedford, and in 1657 he

took on his first assignment as a "field preacher."  At this time there

were scores of men, most with little education, who were preaching to

Nonconformist audiences throughout England.  With the restoration of

Charles II to the throne, these preachers were suspect and subject to

arrest.  Refusing to refrain from preaching, Bunyan was arrested in 1660

and imprisoned-for more than eleven years.

Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, written during this

imprisonment, is the spiritual autobiography of Bunyan, the traveling

tinker who became the eminent preacher and author.  It is in the genre

of Augustine's Confessions and Thomas a Kempis's Imitation of Christ.

It is not a detailed account of Bunyan's early life, for it tells us

very little of his youth, education, military experiences, and

marriages.

Written in 1666, Grace Abounding chronicles Bunyan's spiritual journey

from a profane life filled with cursing, blasphemy, and Sabbath

desecration to a new creation in Christ Jesus.  Some commentators on

Bunyan's life and work are of the opinion that Bunyan wrote too

disparagingly of his early life.  George Offor, editor of a three volume

compilation of Bunyan's works, observes:

A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to

whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally, as it

respects his bad conduct before his conversion.  or whether he views

himself through a glass, by which his evil habits are magnified.  No one

can doubt his perfect honesty.  He plainly narrates his bad, as well as

his redeeming qualities; nor does his narrative appear to be

exaggerated.1

Grace Abounding is an autobiography that begins with guilt and despair

and ends with a heart "full of comfort," a thankful heart for "grace

abounding."

Those who have read both Grace Abounding and The Pilgrim's Progress will

realize that The Pilgrim's Progress, in substantial measure, is the same

life as that described in Grace Abounding, but in allegory rather than

straightforward narrative.  George Offor makes this point when he quotes

a Dr.  Cheever:

As you read the "Grace Abounding", you are ready to say at every step,

Here is the future author of the "Pilgrim's Progress". It is as if you

stood beside some great sculptor, and watched every movement of the

chisel, having seen his design; so that at every blow some new trait of

beauty in the future comes clearly into view.2

Ernest W. Bacon, in a recent biography based on the latest historical

research makes the same point:

The experiences he [Bunyan] records in Grace Abounding are seen in the

characters of The Pilgrim's Progress, and there is little doubt that he

could not have written the great allegory had he not experienced God's

saving mercy recounted in the autobiography.  It has an undying vitality

and perpetual youth about it, is a record of Puritan experience

unsurpassed, and a spiritual stimulus of great value.3

The importance of Grace Abounding is summed up by Hugh Martin:

Grace Abounding is among the greatest stories of God's dealings with the

human soul-to be put on the shelf beside such treasures as Augustine's

Confessions, Law's Serious Call, Baxter's Autobiography, and Wesley's

account of his own spiritual travail.4

 A PREFACE

OR BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING OF THIS WORK

WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH

COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD

CHILDREN, grace be with you, Amen.  I being taken from you in presence,

and so tied up, that I cannot perform that duty that from God doth lie

upon me to youward, for your further edifying and building up in faith

and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly care and

desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare; I now once again,

as before, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, so now from the lions'

dens, from the mountains of the leopards (S.of Sol.  4.8), do look yet

after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into the desired

haven.

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I

stick between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, at the grace,

and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed

upon you, with abundance of faith and love.  Your hungerings and

thirstings also after further acquaintance with the Father, in His Son;

your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy

deportment also, before both God and men, is great refreshment to me;

'For ye are my glory and joy' (1 Thess.  2.20).

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey, that I have taken

out of the carcase of a lion ( Judg.  14.5-9). I have eaten thereof

myself also, and am much refreshed thereby.  (Temptations, when we meet

them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but if we

overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey

within them.)  The Philistines understand me not.  It is something of a

relation of the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very first,

till now; wherein you may perceive my castings down, and raisings up;

for he woundeth, and his hands make whole.  It is written in the

Scripture ( Isa.  38.19), 'The father to the children shall make known

the truth of God.'  Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai (

Deut.  4.10, 11), to see the fire, and the cloud, and the darkness, that

I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth, and tell of

his wondrous works to my children ( Ps.  78.3-5).

Moses ( Num.  33.1, 2) writ of the journeyings of the children of

Israel, from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also, that they

did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness.  'Thou shalt

remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years

in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was

in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no' (

Deut.  8.2). Wherefore this I have endeavoured to do; and not only so,

but to publish it also; that, if God will, others may be put in

remembrance of what He hath done for their souls, by reading His work

upon me.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very

beginnings of grace with their souls.  'It is a night to be much

observed unto the Lord for bringing them out from the land of Egypt:

this is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of

Israel in their generations' ( Ex.  12.42). 'O my God,' saith David (

Ps.  42.6), 'my soul is cast down within me; therefore will I remember

thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill

Mizar.'  He remembered also the lion and the bear, when he went to fight

with the giant of Gath ( I Sam.  17.36, 37).

It was Paul's accustomed manner ( Acts 22), and that when tried for his

life (Acts 24), ever to open, before his judges, the manner of his

conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in the which he

first did meet with grace; for he found it support unto him.  When God

had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea, far into the

wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to remember

the drowning of their enemies there ( Num.14.25). For though they sang

His praise before, yet 'they soon forgat his works' ( Ps.  106.11-13).

In this discourse of mine you may see much; much, I say, of the grace of

God towards me.  I thank God I can count it much, for it was above my

sins and Satan's temptations too.  I can remember my fears, and doubts,

and sad months with comfort; they are as the head of Goliath in my hand.

There was nothing to David like Goliath's sword, even that sword that

should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight and

remembrance of that did preach forth God's deliverance to him.  Oh, the

remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of my great

fears of perishing for ever!  They bring afresh into my mind the

remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and the

great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and the years of ancient

times: remember also your songs in the night; and commune with your own

heart ( Ps.  77.5-12). Yea, look diligently, and leave no corner therein

unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of your first

and second experience of the grace of God toward you.  Remember, I say,

the word that first laid hold upon you; remember your terrors of

conscience, and fear of death and hell; remember also your tears and

prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for mercy.  Have

you never a hill Mizar to remember?  Have you forgot the close, the milk

house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your

soul?  Remember also the Word-the Word, I say, upon which the Lord hath

caused you to hope.  If you have sinned against light; if you are

tempted to blaspheme; if you are down in despair; if you think God

fights against you; or if heaven is hid from your eyes, remember it was

thus with your father, but out of them all the Lord delivered me.

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations and

troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of God

with my soul.  I could also have stepped into a style much higher than

this in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all things

more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not.  God did not play in

convincing of me, the devil did not play in tempting of me, neither did

I play when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell

caught hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in my relating of them,

but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was.  He that

liketh it, let him receive it; and he that does not, let him produce a

better.  Farewell.

My dear children, the milk and honey is beyond this wilderness, God be

merciful to you, and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess

the land.

JOHN BUNYAN

GRACE ABOUNDING

TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS

OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS

POOR SERVANT JOHN BUNYAN

 1.  In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it

will not be amiss, if, in the first place, I do, in a few words, give

you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the

goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and

magnified before the sons of men.

 2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and

inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank that is

meanest and most despised of all the families in the land.  Wherefore I

have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born

state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify

the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into this

world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.

 3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my

parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to put me to school,

to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to

the rate of other poor men's children; though, to my shame I confess, I

did soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and

that long before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon

my soul.

 4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in

the world, it was indeed according to the course of this world, and 'the

spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience' (Eph.  2.2, 3).

It was my delight to be 'taken captive by the devil at his will' (II

Tim.  2.26). Being filled with all unrighteousness, the which did also

so strongly work and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and

that from a child, that I had but few equals, especially considering my

years, which were tender, being few, both for cursing, swearing, lying,

and blaspheming the holy name of God.

 5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became

as a second nature to me; the which, as I also have with soberness

considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood He

did scare and affright me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with

dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent this and the other day in

sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the

apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then

thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be

rid.

 6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled

with the thoughts of the day of judgment, and that both night and day,

and should tremble at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell fire;

still fearing that it would be my lot to be found at last amongst those

devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and

bonds of eternal darkness, 'unto the judgment of the great day.'

 7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child but nine or ten years

old, did so distress my soul, that when in the midst of my many sports

and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast

down and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins.

Yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I

should often wish either that there had been no hell, or that I had been

a devil-supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be

that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented

myself.

 8.  A while after, these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I

soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of

them, as if they had never been: wherefore, with more greediness,

according to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins to

my lusts, and delighted in all transgression against the law of God: so

that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader

of all the youth that kept me company, into all manner of vice and

ungodliness.

 9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this

poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I

had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also

laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws, which bring some to

disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.

 10.  In these days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me;

I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that,

when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian

piety, it would be as it were a prison to me.  Then I said unto God,

'Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of thy ways' (Job

21.14). I was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were

both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were

least in my thoughts.  O Lord, thou knowest my life, and my ways were

not hid from Thee.

 11.  Yet this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the

greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my

companions; yet, even then, if I have at any time seen wicked things, by

those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble.  As once,

above all the rest, when I was in my height of vanity, yet hearing one

to swear that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke

upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.

 12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now

with convictions, but judgments; yet, such as were mixed with mercy.

For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.

Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but mercy yet

preserved me alive.  Besides, another time, being in the field with one

of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway; so

I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having

stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her

sting out with my fingers, by which act, had not God been merciful, I

might, by my desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.

 13.  This also have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a

soldier, I, with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege

it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in

my room; to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to

the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot into the head with a musket

bullet, and died.

 14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did

awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more

and more rebellious against God, and careless of mine own salvation.

 15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,

and my mercy was to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly.

This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be, not

having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt us both, yet

this she had for her part, The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven, and The

Practice of Piety, which her father had left her when he died.  In these

two books I should sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some

things that were somewhat pleasing to me; but all this while I met with

no conviction.  She also would be often telling of me, what a godly man

her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his

house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived

in his day, both in word and deed.

 16.  Wherefore these books with this relation, though they did not

reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did

beget within me some desires to religion: so that, because I knew no

better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit,

to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there

should very devoutly, both say and sing as others did, yet retaining my

wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of superstition,

that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things, both the

high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to

the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and

especially the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly

blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and

were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.

 17.  This conceit grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that

had I but seen a priest, though never so sordid and debauched in his

life, I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit

unto him: yea, I thought for the love I did bear unto them, supposing

they were the ministers of God, I could have lain down at their feet,

and have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work,

did so intoxicate and bewitch me.

 18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought

came into my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or

no?  For finding in the Scriptures that they were once the peculiar

people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs

be happy.  Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved

about this question, but could not tell how I should.  At last I asked

my father of it; who told me, No, we were not.  Wherefore then I fell in

my spirit as to the hopes of that, and so remained.

 19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of

sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion

soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ.  Nay, I never thought

of Him, nor whether there was one, or no.  Thus man, while blind, doth

wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to

the city of God (Eccl.  10.15).

 20.  But one day, amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject

was, to treat of the Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that,

either with labour, sports or otherwise.  Now I was, notwithstanding my

religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and

especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith,

wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and

believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing;

and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can

remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and

so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden upon my

spirit.

 21.  This, for that instant, did benumb the sinews of my best delights,

and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it lasted not,

for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my

heart returned to his old course: but oh!  how glad was I, that this

trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might

sin again without control!  Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with

my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of

sports and gaming I returned with great delight.

 22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat, and

having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike

it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul,

which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins

and go to hell?  At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore,

leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was as if I

had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down

upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did

severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other

my ungodly practices.

 23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this

conclusion was fastened on my spirit, for the former hint did set my

sins again before my face, that I had been a great and grievous sinner,

and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven; for Christ

would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions.  Then I fell to

musing upon this also; and while I was thinking on it, and fearing lest

it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too

late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin; for,

thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable

if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow then; I can but be

damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as

to be damned for few.

 24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were

present; but yet I told them nothing: but I say, I having made this

conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well

remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,

that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I

should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must

not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of

sin, still studying what sin was set to be committed, that I might taste

the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my

belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for

that I feared greatly.  In these things, I protest before God, I lie

not, neither do I feign this sort of speech; these were really,

strongly, and with all my heart, my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy

is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions .

 25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more

than usual amongst poor creatures than many are aware of, even to

overrun their spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and

benumbing of conscience; which frame, he stilly and slily supplieth with

such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the soul, yet they

continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hopes

for them; for they have loved sons, 'therefore after them they will go'

(Jer.  2.25; 18.12).

 26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind,

still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it as I would.

This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was

standing at a neighbour's shop-window, and there cursing and swearing,

and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat within the

woman of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a very loose and

ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most

fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me

further, That I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she

heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all

the youth in a whole town, if they came but in my company.

 27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that

too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood

there, and hanging down my head.  I wished with all my heart that I

might be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak

without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed

to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation, for I

thought it could never be.

 28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward

so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe

it; and whereas before, I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath

before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; now, I

could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness, than ever I

could before.  All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I

leave my sports and plays.

 29.  But quickly after this, I fell in company with one poor man that

made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly

of the Scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore, falling

into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and

began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the

historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles, and Scriptures of

that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but ignorant,

either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of

Jesus Christ to save me.

 30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and

life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which

commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them

pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet now and then

should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I should

repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next

time, and there get help again, for then I thought I pleased God as well

as any man in England.

 31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did

take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel

much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners;

and, indeed, so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor

faith, nor hope; and truly, as I have well seen since, had I then died,

my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say, continued about a

twelvemonth or more.

 32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,

from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and, truly,

so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of

Bedlam to become a sober man.  Now, therefore, they began to praise, to

commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back.

Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I was become a right honest

man.  But oh!  when I understood that these were their words and

opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well.  For though, as yet, I was

nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked of as one

that was truly godly.  I was proud of my godliness, and, I did all I

did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by man.  And thus I

continued for about a twelvemonth or more.

 33.  Now you must know, that before this I had taken much delight in

ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such

practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my

mind hankered; wherefore I should go to the steeple house, and look on

it, though I durst not ring.  But I thought this did not become religion

neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on still; but quickly

after, I began to think, How, if one of the bells should fall?  Then I

chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from

side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think

again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall,

and then rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam.  This made

me stand in the steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for

if a bell should then fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and

so be preserved notwithstanding.

 34.  So, after this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go

farther than the steeple door; but then it came into my head, How, if

the steeple itself should fall?  And this thought, it may fall for aught

I know, when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind,

that I durst not stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to

flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.

 35.  Another thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could

quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that

commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good,

I had great peace in my conscience; and should think with myself, God

cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own

way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.

 36.  But, poor wretch as I was, I was all this while ignorant of Jesus

Christ, and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had

perished therein, had not God, in mercy, showed me more of my state of

nature.

 37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford,

to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came

where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun,

and talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them

discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk

talker also myself in the matters of religion, but now I may say, I

heard, but I understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach,

for their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts,

also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they

talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus,

and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and

supported against the temptations of the devil.  Moreover, they reasoned

of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to

each other by which they had been afflicted, and how they were borne up

under his assaults.  They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of

heart, of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and abhor their own

righteousness, as filthy and insufficient to do them any good.

 38.  And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake

with such pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such appearance

of grace in all they said, that they were to me as if they had found a

new world, as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be

reckoned among their neighbours (Num.  23.9).

 39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my

condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion

and salvation, the new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew

I the comfort of the Word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and

treachery of my own wicked heart.  As for secret thoughts, I took no

notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan's temptations were,

nor how they were to be withstood and resisted, etc.

 40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I

left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and

discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was

greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced

that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by

them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was

such a one.

 41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and

again into the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away;

and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;

and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at

which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what a blind,

ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one was

a great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under

the conviction of what by Scripture they asserted; and the other was a

great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on it, and on all

other good things which at any time I heard or read of.

 42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a

horse leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov.  30.15);

yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of

heaven, that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but

little; that neither pleasures nor profits, nor persuasions, nor

threats, could loosen it, or make it let go his hold; and though I may

speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain truth, it would

then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to

earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to

heaven.

 43.  One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to

whom my heart was knit more than to any other, but he being a most

wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now shook him

off, and forsook his company: but about a quarter of a year after I had

left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did; he,

after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well.  But, Harry,

said I, why do you swear and curse thus?  What will become of you, if

you die in this condition?  He answered me in a great chafe, What would

the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am?

 44.  About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put

forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem

by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to

make a judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought

upon them, feeling myself unable to judge, I should betake myself to

hearty prayer in this manner: O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know

the truth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to

approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not

despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it.  Lord, I lay

my soul, in this matter, only at Thy foot; let me not be deceived, I

humbly beseech Thee.  I had one religious intimate companion all this

while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before; but about this

time he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all

manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness; he would also deny that

there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations

to sobriety.  When I laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh

the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could

never light on the right till now.  He told me also, that in a little

time we should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters.

Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company

forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a

familiar.

 45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying

in the country, I happened to light into several people's company, who,

though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these

Ranters.  These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as

legal and dark; pretending that they had only attained to perfection

that could do what they would, and not sin.  Oh!  these temptations were

suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man, and my nature in its

prime; but God, who had, I hope, designed me for better things, kept me

in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept of such

principles.  And blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry to Him

to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for I have

since seen even the effect of that prayer, in His preserving me not only

from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since.  The

Bible was precious to me in those days.

 46.  And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes,

and read as I never did before; and especially the epistles of the

apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then

never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying

out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.

 47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is

given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge

by the same Spirit; and to another faith,' etc.  (1 Cor.  12.8, 9). And

though, as I have since seen, that by this Scripture the Holy Ghost

intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten

with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that

understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.  On this word I

mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this word faith put me

to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I

had any faith or no; for I feared that it shut me out of all the

blessings that other good people had given them of God; but I was loath

to conclude I had no faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I

shall count myself a very castaway indeed.

 48.  No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an

ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and

understanding that other good people have; yet, at a venture, I will

conclude I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is.

For it was showed me, and that too, as I have since seen, by Satan, that

those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest

nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.

 49.  Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to

see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and

destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my blind and sad

conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I

might in this deceive myself, that I could not rest content, until I did

now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no; this

always running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed?  But how

can you tell if you have faith?  And, besides, I saw for certain, if I

had not, I was sure to perish for ever.

 50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the

business of faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the

matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or

no.  But alas, poor wretch, so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew

to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and

accomplish that rare and curious piece of art which I never yet saw nor

considered.

 51.  Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my

plunge about it, for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter

broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider, the tempter came

in with his delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had faith,

but by trying to work some miracle: urging those Scriptures that seem to

look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation.  Nay,

one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon

me to try if I had faith, by doing of some miracle: which miracle at

that time was this, I must say to the puddles that were in the horse

pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the puddles.  And truly, one

time I was a-going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak,

this thought came into my mind, But go under yonder hedge and pray

first, that God would make you able.  But when I had concluded to pray,

this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do

it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith,

but was a castaway and lost.  Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never

try yet, but will stay a little longer.

 52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had

faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded that, for

the present, I neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever like

to have it.  Thus I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance,

and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what

to do.

 53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at

Bedford was thus, in a dream or vision, represented to me.  I saw, as if

they were set on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing

themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and

shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds.

Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass

about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly desire

to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very

midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

 54.  About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still

prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I

might enter therein; but none could I find for some time.  At the last,

I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall,

through which I attempted to pass; but the passage being very strait and

narrow, I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, even until I was

well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great

striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a

sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding

glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted

with the light and heat of their sun.

 55.  Now, this mountain and wall, etc., was thus made out to me-the

mountain signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone

thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were

therein; the wall, I thought, was the Word, that did make separation

between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in this

wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father

(John 14.6; Matt.  7.14). But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful

narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great difficulty,

enter in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life, but

those that were in downright earnest, and unless they left this wicked

world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for

body and soul, and sin.

 56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I

saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a

vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the

sunshine.  Now also I should pray wherever I was, whether at home or

abroad, in house or field, and should also often, with lifting up of

heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, 'O Lord, consider my distress'; for

as yet I knew not where I was.

 57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I

had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to

find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future

happiness; especially with such as these, Whether I was elected?  But

how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?

 58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;

sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  And first, to

speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,

that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and

though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so

offend and discourage me, that I was, especially at some times, as if

the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and

power thereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all

my desires, 'It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but

of God that sheweth mercy' (Rom.  9.16).

 59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently

saw, that unless the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had

voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,

and long and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.

Therefore, this would still stick with me, How can you tell that you are

elected?  And what if you should not?  How then?

 60.  0 Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed?  It may be you

are not, said the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then,

said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no further; for if,

indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of

your being saved; 'For it is neither of him that willeth, nor of him

that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.'

 61.  By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to

say, or how to answer these temptations.  Indeed, I little thought that

Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence,

thus to start the question; for, that the elect only attained eternal

life, that I, without scruple, did heartily close withal; but that

myself was one of them, there lay all the question.

 62.  Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and

perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where

I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many

weeks oppressed and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving up

the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell

with weight upon my spirit, 'Look at the generations of old and see; did

ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?'

 63.  At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for

thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the

beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if

you can find that there was ever any that trusted in the Lord, and was

confounded.  So, coming home, I presently went to my Bible to see if I

could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it

was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that I

was as if it talked with me.

 64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me; then I

did ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it

was, but they knew no such place.  At this I wondered that such a

sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize

and abide upon my heart, and yet that none could find it, for I doubted

not but it was in holy Scripture.

 65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but

at last, casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in

Ecclesiasticus 2.10.  This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but

because, by this time, I had got more experience of the love and

kindness of God, it troubled me the less; especially when I considered,

that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical,

yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the

promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for

that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still, at times,

shine before my face.

 66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But

how if the day of grace should be past and gone?  How if you have

overstood the time of mercy?  Now, I remember that one day, as I was

walking into the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if

the day of grace be past?  And to aggravate my trouble, the tempter

presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus

unto me, That these being converted already, they were all that God

would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got

the blessing before I came.

 67.  Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might

well be so; wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition,

counting myself far worse than a thousand fools, for standing off thus

long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out,

Oh, that I had turned sooner!  Oh, that I had turned seven years ago!

It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more

wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.

 68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able

to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my

other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, 'Compel them to

come in, that my house may be filled'; 'and yet there is room' (Luke

14.22, 23). These words, but especially them, 'And yet there is room',

were sweet words to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there

was place enough in heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord

Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me; and that He,

knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear

that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this

word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against

this vile temptation.  This, I then verily believed.

 69.  In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty

while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus

should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on

purpose for my sake; for I did then think, verily, that He did on

purpose speak them, to encourage me withal.

 70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again;

temptations, I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal

acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense

of death and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were,

continually in my view; I should often also think on Nebuchadnezzar, of

whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth (Dan.

5.19). Yet, I thought, if this great man had all his portion in this

world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all.  Which

consideration was a great help to me.

 71.  I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning

the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean.  I thought those beasts

were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of God;

but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked one.

Now, I read that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I,

they show us we must feed upon the Word of God.  They also parted the

hoof; I thought that signified we must part, if we would be saved, with

the ways of ungodly men.  And also, in further reading about them I

found that though we did chew the cud as the hare, yet if we walked with

claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like the swine, yet if we

did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but

unclean; for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the

Word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that

parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith,

without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so

devout (Deut.14). After this I found, by reading the Word, that those

that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by

Him here; called to the partaking of a share in His Word and

righteousness, and to the comforts and first fruits of His Spirit, and

to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed fore

fit the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.

 72.  Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do,

fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then

can do me good?  None but those who are effectually called, inherit the

kingdom of heaven.  But oh!  how I now loved those words that spake of a

Christian's calling!  as when the Lord said to one, 'Follow me', and to

another, 'Come after me'. And oh!  thought I, that He would say so to me

too, how gladly would I run after him!

 73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I

cried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame

to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such

glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a

share therein.  Gold!  could it have been gotten for gold, what could I

have given for it!  had I a whole world it had all gone ten thousand

times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.

 74.  How lovely now was everyone in my eyes that I thought to be

converted men and women!  they shone, they walked like a people that

carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh!  I saw the lot was

fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage (Ps.

16.6). But that which made me sick was that of Christ, in Mark, He went

up into a mountain and called to Him whom He would, and they came unto

Him (Mark 3.13).

 75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my

soul.  That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no

liking to me, for He called 'whom he would'. But oh!  the glory that I

saw in that condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom

read of any that Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had

been in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been

born John; or would I had been by and had heard Him when He called them,

how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also.  But oh!  I feared He

would not call me.

 76.  And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed

me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter.

But at last, after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might

be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that Word came in

upon me: 'I will cleanse their blood that I have not cleansed: for the

Lord dwelleth in Zion' (Joel 3.21). These words I thought were sent to

encourage me to wait still upon God, and signified unto me, that if I

were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted to

Christ.

 77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in

Bedford, and to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard, they

told Mr.  Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me,

and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think but from

little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him

confer with others, about the dealings of God with the soul; from all

which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see

something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart, for

as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered

unto me, and also to work at that rate for wickedness as it never did

before.  Now I evidently found that lusts and corruptions would strongly

put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I

did not regard before; my desires for heaven and life began to fail.  I

found also, that whereas my soul was full of longing after God, now my

heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would

not be moved to mind that that was good; it began to be careless, both

of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and

in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her from

flying.

 78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I farther from

conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sink greatly in

my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid

me low as hell.  If now I should have burned at a stake, I could not

believe that Christ had love for me; alas, I could neither hear Him, nor

see Him, nor feel Him, nor savour any of His things; I was driven as

with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, the Canaanites would dwell in

the land.

 79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which,

when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises;

but they had as good have told me that I must reach the sun with my

finger as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promise; and as soon

as I should have done it, all my sense and feeling was against me; and I

saw I had a heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would

condemn.

 80.  These things have often made me think of that child which the

father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet a-coming to him, was

thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay

and wallowed, foaming (Luke 9.42, Mark 9.20).

 81.  Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up

against the Lord, and against His holy Word.  I have found my unbelief

to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door to keep Him out, and that

too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord,

break it open; Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of

iron asunder (Ps.  107.16). Yet that word would sometimes create in my

heart a peaceable pause, 'I girded thee, though thou hast not known me'

(Isa.  45.5).

 82.  But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more

tender than now; I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as

a straw, for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch;

I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace

them.  Oh, how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said!  I found

myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir; and was there left

both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

 83.  But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before

conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my

ignorance upon me; only He showed me I was lost if I had not Christ,

because I had been a sinner; I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness

to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was

nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus Christ.

 84.  But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and

my affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth

itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of

that, I was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I thought

I was so in God's eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as

naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a

fountain.  I thought now that everyone had a better heart than I had; I

could have changed heart with anybody; I thought none but the devil

himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.

I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply into despair;

for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not stand with a

state of grace.  Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am given

up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long

while, even for some years together.

 85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,

there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old

people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live

here always; the other was, when I found professors much distressed and

cast down, when they met with outward losses, as of husband, wife,

child, etc.  Lord, thought I, what ado is here about such little things

as these!  What seeking after carnal things by some, and what grief in

others for the loss of them!  If they so much labour after, and spend so

many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned,

pitied, and prayed for!  My soul is dying, my soul is damning.  Were my

soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, oh!  how rich I

should esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water; I should

count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little

burdens.  'A wounded spirit who can bear?'

 86.  And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with

the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to

let this sight and sense go quite off my mind; for I found that, unless

guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood

of Christ, a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind,

than better.  Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry

that the blood of Christ might take it off; and if it was going off

without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die,

and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart

again, by bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire upon my spirits;

and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, but

by the blood of Christ, and by the application of Thy mercy, through

Him, to my soul; for that scripture lay much upon me, 'without shedding

of blood is no remission' (Heb.  9.22). And that which made me the more

afraid of this was, because I had seen some who, though when they were

under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they

seeking rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their

sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their

mind; and, therefore, having got it off the wrong way, it was not

sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked

after their trouble.  This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the

more, that it might not be so with me.

 87.  And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was

a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the

creatures.  Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I

counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.

 88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much

goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.  Man

indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible

world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.  The beasts,

birds, fishes, etc., I blessed their condition, for they had not a

sinful nature, they were not obnoxious in the sight of God; they were

not to go to hell fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced had

my condition been as any of theirs.

 89.  In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time

was come, I heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song 4.1,

'Behold thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair.'  But at that

time he made these two words, 'My love', his chief and subject matter;

from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these

several conclusions: 1.  That the Church, and so every saved soul, is

Christ's love, when loveless.  2.  Christ's love without a cause.  3.

Christ's love when hated of the world.  4.  Christ's love when under

temptation, and under desertion.  5.  Christ's love from first to last.

 90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to

the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said: If

it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and

desertion; then, poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and

afflicted with temptation, and the hidings of God's face, yet think on

these two words, 'My love', still.

 91.  So as I was a-going home, these words came again into my thoughts;

and I well remember, as I came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I

get by thinking on these two words?  This thought had no sooner passed

through my heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my spirit, 'Thou

art my love, thou art my love', twenty times together; and still as they

ran thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make

me look up; but being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in

my heart, But is it true, but is it true?  At which, that sentence fell

in upon me, he 'wist not that it was true which was done by the angel'

(Acts 12.9).

 92.  Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did

over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, Thou art my love,

thou art my love; and nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with

that, Rom 8.39 came into my mind.  Now was my heart filled full of

comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be

forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God,

that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home; I

thought I could have spoken of His love, and of His mercy to me, even to

the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been

capable to have understood me; wherefore I said in my soul with much

gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this

down before I go any farther, for surely I will not forget this forty

years hence; but alas!  within less than forty days, I began to question

all again; which made me begin to question all still.

 93.  Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true

manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life

and savour of it.  Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much

followed by this scripture, 'Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to

have you' (Luke 22.31). And sometimes it would sound so loud within me,

yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that once above all the

rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man

had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance, methought he

called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up

to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me that a cloud and

a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.

 94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was

the last time that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still

with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears.

I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,

that was half a mile behind me; and although that was not my name, yet

it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so

loud meant me.

 95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of

this sound; which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from

heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming; only it

would make me muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the

reason that this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud,

should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears; but, as I said

before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.

 96.  For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down

upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with

before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another;

first, all my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me,

after which whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and

the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and

astonishment.  These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up

questions in me, against the very being of God, and of His only beloved

Son; as whether there were, in truth, a God, or Christ, or no?  And

whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story,

than the holy and pure Word of God?

 97 The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you tell

but that the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the

Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is?  And, could I think, that so

many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be without

the knowledge of the right way to heaven; if there were indeed a heaven,

and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be

blessed therewith?  Everyone doth think his own religion rightest, both

Jews and Moors, and Pagans!  and how if all our faith, and Christ, and

Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?

 98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions,

and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but,

alas!  I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would

return again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of

his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a

subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong

delusions; and also take both that pains and travail, to undo and

destroy his fellows?

 99.  These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not,

nor dare not utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure

upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,

continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else

but these from morning to night within me; and as though, indeed, there

could be room for nothing else; and also concluded that God had, in very

wrath to my soul, given me up unto them, to be carried away with them,

as with a mighty whirlwind.

 100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there

was something in me that refused to embrace them.  But this

consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my

spittle, otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these

temptations, would drown and overflow, and as it were bury all such

thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing.  While I was in this

temptation, I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse

and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His

Son, and of the Scriptures.

 101.  Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times

again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding

and magnifying God the Lord with others, if I have but heard Him spoken

of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt

out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that God was,

or again did think there were no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor

gracious disposition could I feel within me.

 102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded,

that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved

God.  I often, when these temptations have been with force upon me, did

compare myself in the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by

force took up under her apron, and is carrying from friend and country;

kick sometimes I did, and also scream and cry; but yet I was as bound in

the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away.  I

thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him; and

did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his (1 Sam.

16.14).

 103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin

against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire

to sin that sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should

be quiet until I had committed that; now, no sin would serve but that;

if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been

as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and

in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have

been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening;

and to that end also I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my

head downward, into some muck-hill hole or other, to keep my mouth from

speaking.

 104.  Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the

estate of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful

state of mine, and such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I have

been in the condition of dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to

perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was like

to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces

with it, yet that which added to my sorrow was, that I could not find

that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.  That scripture did also

tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these distractions, 'The wicked

are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up

mire and dirt.  There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked' (Isa.

57.20, 21).

 105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have

given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor

sometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected to think that

this should be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and

others, again, could rejoice, and bless God for Christ; and others,

again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember, the Word of

God; while I only was in the storm or tempest.  This much sunk me; I

thought my condition was alone.  I should, therefore, much bewail my

hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I could not.

 106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could

attend upon none of the ordinances of God but with sore and great

affliction.  Yea, then was I most distressed with blasphemies; if I have

been hearing the Word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would

hold me as captive there; if I have been reading, then, sometimes, I had

sudden thoughts to question all I read; sometimes, again, my mind would

be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I

have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence

that but now I have read.

 107.  In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time;

sometimes I have thought I should see the devil; nay, thought I have

felt him, behind me, pull my clothes; he would be, also, continually at

me in the time of prayer to have done; break off, make haste, you have

prayed enough, and stay no longer, still drawing my mind away.

Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these: that I

must pray to him, or for him.  I have thought sometimes of that-Fall

down, or, 'if thou wilt fall down and worship me' (Matt.  4.9).

 108.  Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of

this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then,

with great force, hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound

me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy the

form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to

those; to these he would, also, at some times especially, so hold my

mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing

else but to these, or such as they.

 109.  Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting

apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel; but,

oh!  how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with

inexpressible groanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I should

cry with pangs after God that He would be merciful unto me; but then I

should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that

God did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of

the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me as if I

had nothing to do with My mercy but to bestow it on such as he.  Alas,

poor fool!  how art thou deceived; It is not for such as thee to have

favour with the Highest.

 110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such

discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool

you; this frame shall not last always; many have been as hot as you for

a spirit, but I have quenched their zeal.  And with this, such and such

who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes.  Then I should be

afraid that I should do so too; but, thought I, I am glad this comes

into my mind.  Well, I will watch, and take what heed I can.  Though you

do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly,

by degrees, by little and little.  What care I, saith he, though I be

seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last?  Continual

rocking will lull a crying child asleep.  I will ply it close, but I

will have my end accomplished.  Though you be burning hot at present,

yet, if I can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it

be long.

 111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present

could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long

would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and

wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and

the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and

thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make

me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it, like her who met

with the adulterer (Deut.  22.27); in which days that was a good word to

me after I had suffered these things a while: 'I am persuaded that

neither_5height, nor depth, nor life,' etc., 'shall_5separate us from

the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus' (Rom.  8.38). And now I hoped

long life should not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

 112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then

all questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was

something to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that

chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could,

yet we should cry unto God, 'My Father, Thou art the guide of my youth';

and should return unto Him.

 113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in II Cor.  5.21: 'For

he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be

made the righteousness of God in him.'  I remember, also, that one day

as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the

consideration of my many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind,

What ground have I to think that I, who have been so vile and

abominable, should ever inherit eternal life?  that word came suddenly

upon me, 'What shall we then say to these things?  If God be for us, who

can be against us?'  (Rom.  8.31). That, also, was an help unto me,

'Because I live, ye shall live also' (John 14.19). But these were but

hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only

they lasted not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up

from me to heaven again (Acts 10.16).

 114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover

Himself unto me; and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the

guilt that, by these things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from

the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put

into my right mind again, as other Christians were.

 115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country and

musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of

the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came in my mind, He

hath 'made peace through the blood of his cross' (Col.  1.20). By which

I was made to see, both again, and again, and again, that day, that God

and my soul were friends by this blood; yea, I saw that the justice of

God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through this

blood.  This was a good day to me; I hope I shall not forget it.

 116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on

my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,

'Forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he

also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might

destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver

them who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to

bondage' (Heb.  2.14, 15). I thought that the glory of these words was

then so weighty on me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as

I sat; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

 117.  At this time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr.

Gifford, whose doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability.

This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all

those faults and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and

make to our souls.  He pressed up to take special heed that we took not

up any truth upon trust-as from this, or that, or any other man or men-

but to cry mightily to God that He would convince us of the reality

thereof, and set us down therein, by His own Spirit, in the holy Word;

for, said he, if you do otherwise when temptations come, if strongly,

you, not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you

want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had.

 118.  This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain

in their season; for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth

of these his words; for I had felt what no man can say, especially when

tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the Holy Ghost.

Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this

doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing that pertained

to God's glory and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be

without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly

there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notions of flesh and

blood, and the revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference

between that faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and

of that which comes by a man's being born thereto of God (Matt.  16.15-

17; 1 John 5.1).

 119.  But, oh!  now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!

even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to His ascension and

second coming from heaven to judge the world.

 120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very

good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not anything that I then

cried unto God to make known and reveal unto me but He was pleased to do

it for me; I mean not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I

was orderly led into it.  Methought I saw with great evidence, from the

relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving

Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth even to His

second coming to judgment.  Methought I was as if I had seen Him born,

as if I had seen Him grow up, as if I had seen Him walk through this

world, from the cradle to His cross: to which, also, when He came, I saw

how gently He gave Himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and

wicked doings.  Also, as I was musing on this, His progress, that

dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter (1 Pet.  1.19,

20).

 121.  When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and

have remembered that word, 'Touch me not, Mary,' etc., I have seen as if

He leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that He was risen again, and had

got the conquest over our dreadful foes (John 20.17). I have also, in

the spirit, seen Him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me,

and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven to judge the world

with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures

following, Acts 1.9, 10; 7.56; 10.42; Heb.  7.24; 8.3; Rev.  1.18; 1

Thess.  4.17, 18.

 122.  Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both

man as well as God, and God as well as man; and truly, in those days,

let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven,

all was as nothing to me, I counted not myself set down in any truth of

God.  Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how

to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the Revelations came into

my mind, 'And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the

four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb.'  In the

midst of the throne, thought I, there is His Godhead; in the midst of

the elders, there is His manhood; but oh!  methought this did glister!

it was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction.  That other

scripture also did help me much in this, 'To us a child is born, unto us

a son is given; and the government shall be on his shoulder: and his

name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The

everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace,' etc.  (Isa.  9.6).

 123.  Also, besides these teachings of God in His Word, the Lord made

use of two things to confirm me in these things; the one was the errors

of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers

did oppose His truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading

me into the scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it.

 124.  The errors that this people then maintained were: 1.  That the

holy Scriptures were not the Word of God.  2.  That every man in the

world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc.  3.  That Christ

Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did not satisfy divine

justice for the sins of the people.  4.  That Christ's flesh and blood

was within the saints.  5.  That the bodies of the good and bad that are

buried in the churchyard shall not arise again.  6.  That the

resurrection is past with good men already.  7.  That that man Jesus,

that was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of

Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended up above the starry heavens.  8.

That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the

Jews, come again at the last day, and as man judge all nations, etc.

 125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented

by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the

Scriptures, and was, through their light and testimony, not only

enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth; and, as I

said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that would come

upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and

again, and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures.  O friends!

cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like

Him.

 126.  It would be too long for me here to stay, to tell you in

particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how

He did, that He might do so, lead me into His words; yea, and also how

He did open them unto me, make them shine before me, and comfort me over

and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit,

and Word, and gospel.

 127.  Only this, as I said before I will say unto you again, that in

general He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me

to be afflicted with temptation concerning them, and then reveal them to

me: as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to

the ground therewith, and then the Lord would show me the death of

Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I should

find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience where but

just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the

peace and love of God through Christ.

 128.  Now had I an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation from heaven,

with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight; now could I

remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace, with

comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come,

that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion

with Him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face was spit on, and

body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: for whereas, before,

I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was

got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked back, scarce

discern it; and oh!  thought I, that I were fourscore years old now,

that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

 129.  But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did

greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ

some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our

days, I thought, but I desire them now to pardon me, that they had writ

only that which others felt, or else had, through the strength of their

wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived

others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep.

Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose hands are

all our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book of Martin

Luther; it was his comment on the Galatians-it also was so old that it

was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.  Now I was

pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hands; the which,

when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition, in his

experience, so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been

written out of my heart.  This made me marvel; for thus thought I, This

man could not know anything of the state of Christians now, but must

needs write and speak the experience of former days.

 130.  Besides, he doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the

rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;

showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death, and hell hath

a very great hand therein, the which, at first, was very strange to me;

but considering and watching, I found it so indeed.  But of particulars

here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must let fall before all

men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians,

excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen, as

most fit for a wounded conscience.

 131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh!

methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him, I

felt love unto Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I

should die in my nest; but I did quickly find that my great love was but

little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus

Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how to

abase us, and can hide pride from man.  Quickly after this my love was

tried to purpose.

 132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered

me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly

in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong

consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in His

love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a

more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

 133.  And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to

exchange Him for the things of this life, for anything.  The temptation

lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually

that I was not rid of it one day in a month, no, not sometimes one hour

in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

 134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were

once effectually in Christ, as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen

myself, could never lose Him for ever-for 'the land shall not be sold

for ever, for the land is mine,' saith God (Lev.  25.23)-yet it was a

continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such

thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He

had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous

ones.

 135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire

and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the

continuation, or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in

almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith in such sort that I

could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine

eye to look on this, or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell

Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him.

 136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred

times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him; against which I may say,

for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually

leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were

aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart that might consent

thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe I had

consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days

together.

 137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at

sometimes, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by

the very force of my mind in labouring to gainsay and resist this

wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by way

of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows, still answering as fast

as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I

will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds.  Thus

reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a

value of Him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be

composed again.

 138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,

forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to

pray; I must leave my food now, and just now, so counterfeit holy also

would this devil be.  When I was thus tempted, I should say in myself,

Now I am at my meat, let me make an end.  No, said he, you must do it

now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ.  Wherefore I was

much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my

nature, imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should

deny to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty,

because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the

law of God indeed.

 139.  But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, at

other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and

part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell

Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fast as a man could

speak; against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered,

No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times

together.  But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out

of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let Him go, if He

will!  and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto.

Oh, the diligence of Satan!  Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!

 140.  Now was the battle won, and down I fell, as a bird that is shot

from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.  Thus

getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with

as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for the

space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all

recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

 141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, 'Or profane

person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye

know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he

was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it

carefully with tears' (Heb.  12.16,17).

 142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment

to come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but

damnation, and an expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would

abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the

sequel you will see.

 143.  These words were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in

the continual sound of which I went for several months together.  But

about ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking under a hedge,

full of sorrow and guilt, God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard

hap that such a thought should arise within me; suddenly this sentence

bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt.  At this I made

a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, 'The blood

of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin' (1 John 1.7).

 144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw as

if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what

he had done.  At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of

Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood

of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clot or stone before me,

is to this vast and wide field that here I see.  This gave me good

encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,

methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but

because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding

guilt again.

 145.  But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's

selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long,

all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down,

so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to

turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still that sentence

would be sounding in me, 'For ye know, how that afterward, when he would

have inherited the blessing_5he found no place of repentance, though he

sought it carefully with tears.'

 146.  Sometimes, also, I should have a touch from that in Luke 22.32,

'I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not'; but it would not

abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state, find

ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that

grace within me, having sinned as I had done.  Now was I torn and rent

in heavy case, for many days together.

 147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the

nature and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I

could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence

by which I might take relief.  Wherefore I began to consider that third

of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the

sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme.  Which place,

methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the

pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought

it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who

had, while in a natural state, committed such things as there are

mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but

that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I

had done.

 148.  I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that sin

unpardonable, of which he there thus speaketh, 'But he that shall

blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in

danger of eternal damnation' (Mark 3.29). And I did the rather give

credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews, 'For ye know,

how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was

rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it

carefully with tears.'  And this stuck always with me.

 149.  And now was I both a burden and a terror to myself, nor did I

ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid

to die.  Oh, how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself!

Anything but a man!  and in any condition but mine own!  for there was

nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was

impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from

wrath to come.

 150.  And now began I to labour to call again time that was past;

wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when

I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation,

both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been

torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto.  But alas!  these

thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me;

the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.

Oh!  thought I, 'that it was with me as in months past, as in the days

when God preserved me!'  (Job 29.2).

 151.  Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to

compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those

that were saved had done as I had done.  So I considered David's

adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too

committed after light and grace received; but yet by considering, I

perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law

of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His

Word, deliver him; but mine was against the gospel, yea, against the

Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

 152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I

considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so

void of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I, must it be no sin but

this?  Must it needs be the great transgression (Ps.  19.13)? Must that

wicked one touch my soul (1 John 5.18)? Oh, what stings did I find in

all these sentences!

 153.  What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?  But

one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must

I be guilty of that?  Must it needs be that?  Is there but one sin among

so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I

commit this?  Oh, unhappy sin!  Oh, unhappy man!  These things would so

break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I

thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to

aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, 'Ye know how that

afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected.'

Oh!  none knows the terrors of those days but myself.

 154.  After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed

in denying his Master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any

that I could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after

light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him.  I

also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after

time to consider betwixt.  But though I put all these circumstances

together, that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again,

that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was a selling of my

Saviour.  Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas,

than either to David or Peter.

 155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it

would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of

God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus

considering of other men's sins, and comparing of them with my own, I

could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their

wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son of

perdition.

 156.  But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation

that God did set about his people!  Ah, how safely did I see them walk,

whom God had hedged in!  They were within His care, protection, and

special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet

because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the

range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; He would not

preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to

fall as I had done.  Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's

keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort

me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord

had blessed.

 157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all providences and

dispensation that overtook His elect, so He had His hand in all the

temptations that they had to sin against Him, not to animate them unto

wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and

also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as might not destroy,

but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way

of the renewing of His mercy.  But oh, what love, what care, what

kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and

dreadful of all God's ways to His people!  He would let David, Hezekiah,

Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but He would not let them fall into sin

unpardonable, nor into hell for sin.  Oh!  thought I, these be the men

that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth

them, keeps them in safety by Him, and them whom He makes to abide under

the shadow of the Almighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief,

and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me.

If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me.  If I thought

of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me.  As all things

wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the

called, according to His purpose; so I thought that all things wrought

for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

 158.  Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,

that, if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in

truth, is unpardonable.  And, oh!  thought I, if it should differ from

it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul

in!  And, by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but

mine was against my prayer and strivings; besides, his was committed

with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; all

this while I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from

trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears,

and of the dreadful consequences thereof.

 159.  Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin, was, for a while,

some little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the

circumstances, transgressed so foully as he.  But this was quickly gone

again, for, I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to

commit the unpardonable sin; also I thought that there might be degrees

of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet

could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be

passed by.

 160.  I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man

as Judas; I thought, also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints

at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I could scarce see a good

man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart

tremble at him, while I was in his presence.  Oh!  now I saw a glory in

walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience

before Him.

 161.  I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by

receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a

day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such

grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things should

indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease for the

present.  If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand;

drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind

with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use to help

themselves withal.

 162.  But oh!  when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it

were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view; methought

the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already; so that

such things could have no entertainment.  But, methinks, I see by this,

that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth

not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and

error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

 163.  I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was

swallowing me up; I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from

God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, It is

too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction, but

condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how

that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have received the

blessing, but was rejected.  About this time, I did light on that

dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira; a book that was

to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound; every

sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his

actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of

teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and

pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as

knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was

frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin, but who bounds the

issues thereof?  Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of

all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again

upon my conscience; 'for you know how that afterward, when he would have

inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of

repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.'

 164.  Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at

sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well

as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment

of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and

unpardonable sin.  I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach,

by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if

my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of that

concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and all

his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).

 165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on

Cain, even continued fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt

that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel.  Thus did

I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which

burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor

lie, either at rest or quiet.

 166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received

gifts for the rebellious (Ps.  68.18). 'The rebellious,' thought I; why,

surely they are such as once were under subjection to their prince, even

those who, after they have sworn subjection to his government, have

taken up arms against him; and this, thought I, is my very condition;

once I loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have

sold Him, I have said, Let Him go if He will; but yet He has gifts for

rebels, and then why not for me?

 167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold

thereof, that some, though small, refreshment might have been conceived

by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven with force

beyond it, I was like a man that is going to the place of execution,

even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but

may not.

 168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in

particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus

with myself: Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine

alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?  For if

mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to all, then

there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash

away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though

this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs.  Here, again, I

should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and

the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might

with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several

circumstances: but, alas!  it was all in vain.

 169.  I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his

adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that

could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which

was a great aggravation to his sin.  But then this would turn upon me:

Ah!  but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a

Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who

shall save you from that?

 170.  Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange

women, in falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in

doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received; but

the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me

off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law,

for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and

there now remained no more sacrifice for sin.

 171.  I would then add to those men's sins, the sins of Manasseh, how

that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also

observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard,

had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice

to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of

innocents.  These, I thought, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour;

yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature of

yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.

 172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was

point-blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had

in my heart said of Him, Let Him go if He will.  Oh!  methought, this

sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole

world, no one pardonable, nor all of them together, was able to equal

mine; mine outwent them every one.

 173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a

dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand:

'It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God' (Heb.

10.31). But blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying sins,

would call as running after me, 'I have blotted out, as a thick cloud,

thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me, for I

have redeemed thee' (Isa.  44.22). This, I say, would come in upon my

mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His

face, that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His

highness, I could not endure; then would the text cry, 'Return unto me,

for I have redeemed thee.'  Indeed, this would make me make a little

stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I

could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His

hand, but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and

darkened again by that sentence, 'For you know how that afterward, when

he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance,

though he sought it carefully with tears.'  Wherefore I could not

return, but fled, though at sometimes it cried 'Return, return', as if

it did holloa after me.  But I feared to close in therewith, lest it

should not come from God; for that other, as I said was still sounding

in my conscience, 'For you know how that afterward, when he would have

inherited the blessing, he was rejected', etc.

 174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning

of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-

abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting, also, this

hard hap of mine, for that I should commit so great a sin; greatly

fearing I would not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart, that if

this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord

would show it me.  And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there

was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me,

but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever refuse

to be justified by the blood of Christ?  And withal my whole life and

profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was made to

see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No.

Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, 'See that ye refuse not

him that speaketh'(Heb.  12.25). This made a strange seizure upon my

spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart of

all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless hell-

hounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous noise within me.  It

showed me, also, that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for

me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my

soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a

kind of a threatening me if I did not, notwithstanding my sins and the

heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.  But as

to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was I knew

not; from whence it came I knew not.  I have not yet, in twenty years'

time, been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I

shall be loath to speak.  But verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if

an angel had come upon me; but both it and the salvation I will leave

until the day of judgment; only this I say, it commanded a great calm in

my soul, it persuaded me there might be hope; it showed me, as I

thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the

blessed privilege to flee to Jesus for mercy.  But, I say, concerning

this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto it; which was, also,

in truth, the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I

do now, also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment.  I lay

not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in

the promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I

thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show

itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience

it.  This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three or four days, and

then I began to mistrust and to despair again.

 175.  Wherefore, still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing

which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast

itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication.  But, oh!  it

was hard for me now to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercy,

against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard work, I say, to

offer to look Him in the face against whom I had so vilely sinned; and,

indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after

backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing.  Oh, the shame that did

now attend me!  especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to

Him for mercy that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before!  I was

ashamed, yea, even confounded, because this villainy had been committed

by me; but I saw there was but one way with me, I must go to Him and

humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would

show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

 176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,

That I ought not to pray to God; for prayer was not for any in my case,

neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by

whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the Father, and without whom

no prayer could come into His presence.  Wherefore, now to pray is but

to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the

next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before.

 177.  For God, saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years

already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in His ears hath

been no pleasant voice to Him; and, therefore, He let you sin this sin,

that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray still?  This the

devil urged, and set forth that, in Numbers, when Moses said to the

children of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess the

land when God would have them, therefore, for ever after, God did bar

them out from thence, though they prayed they might, with tears (Num.

14.36, 37, etc.).

 178.  As it is said in another place (Exod.  21.14), the man that sins

presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar, that he may die; even as

Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there (1 Kings

2.28, etc.). These places did pinch me very sore; yet, my case being

desperate, I thought with myself I can but die; and if it must be so, it

shall once be said, that such an one died at the foot of Christ in

prayer.  This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that

because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set

at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of

life, lest I should taste thereof and live.  Oh!  who knows how hard a

thing I found it to come to God in prayer.

 179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I

feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my

soul to think that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God

had said those words to them that He once did say to the prophet

concerning the children of Israel, 'Pray thou not for this people,' for

I have rejected them (Jer.  11.14). So, pray not for him, for I have

rejected him.  Yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them

already, only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them of it,

for fear, if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself.  Man

knows the beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the issues

thereof?

 180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an

ancient Christian, and told him all my case; I told him, also, that I

was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told

me he thought so too.  Here, therefore, I had but cold comfort; but,

talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a

stranger to much combat with the devil.  Wherefore, I went to God again,

as well as I could, for mercy still.

 181.  Now, also, did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,

that, seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to

displeasure, who would have stood between my soul and the flame of

devouring fire, there was now but one way, and that was, to pray that

God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt His Son and me, that we

might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit in

Him that His blessed saints enjoyed.

 182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind,

and who can turn Him?  Oh!  I saw it was as easy to persuade Him to make

a new world, a new covenant, or new Bible, besides that we have already,

as to pray for such a thing.  This was to persuade Him that what He had

done already was mere folly, and persuade with Him to alter, yea, to

disannul, the whole way of salvation; and then would that saying rend my

soul asunder, 'Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is

none other name under heaven, given among men, whereby we must be saved'

(Acts 4.12).

 183.  Now the most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel

were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the

thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had

cast Him off, brought forth the villainy of my sin, and my loss by it to

mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this.  Every time that I

thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness,

gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations,

comforts and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still,

unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would

make place for themselves in my heart; aye, this is the Jesus, the

loving Saviour, the Son of God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you

slighted, despised, and abused.  This is the only Saviour, the only

Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners as to wash them from

their sins in His own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot

in this Jesus, you have put Him away from you, you have said in your

heart, Let Him go if He will.  Now, therefore, you are severed from Him;

you have severed yourself from Him.  Behold, then, His goodness, but you

yourself be no partaker of it.  Oh, thought I, what have I lost!  What

have I parted with!  What have I disinherited my poor soul of!  Oh!  it

is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb,

the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer (Rev.  6). I also trembled, as I

have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that

greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually

with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their

carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin

against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add

continual affliction and shame unto my soul.  The dread of them was upon

me, and I trembled at God's Samuels (1 Sam.  16.4).

 184.  Now, also, the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,

saying that Christ, indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss;

but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed, as I had done, He could

by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared; for my sin was not

of the nature of theirs for whom He bled and died, neither was it

counted with those that were laid to His charge when He hanged on the

tree.  Therefore, unless He should come down from heaven and die anew

for this sin, though, indeed, He did greatly pity me, yet I could have

no benefit of Him.  These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as

ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most

tormenting cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus

Christ should have so much love as to pity me when He could not help me;

nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me was because His

merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on them already, but

because His faithfulness to His threatening would not let Him extend His

mercy to me.  Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin

was not within the bounds of that pardon that was wrapped up in a

promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for

heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life.  So that

the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief

that I had of the stability of the holy Word of God, and, also, from my

being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

 185.  But oh!  how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I

should be guilty of such a sin for which He did not die.  These thoughts

would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I

knew not what to do; but, oh!  I thought, that He would come down again!

Oh!  that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ!

How would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin

amongst the rest for which He died!  But this scripture would strike me

down as dead, 'Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death

hath no more dominion over him' (Rom.  6.9).

 186.  Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my

soul, like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed

sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes upon the covenant of works,

and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof,

might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way

and changed.  But in all these I was but as those that justle against

the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent.  Oh, the unthought of

imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors that are affected by a

thorough application of guilt, yielded to desperation!  this is the man

that hath 'his dwelling among the tombs' with the dead; that is, always

crying out and 'cutting himself with stones' (Mark 5.  2-5). But I say,

all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not

save him; nay, heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or tittle

of the Word and law of grace shall fall or be removed.  This I saw, this

I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby,

namely, a further confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation,

and that the Scriptures were the Word of God!  Oh!  I cannot now express

what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of

man's salvation; what was done could not be undone, added to, nor

altered.  I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,

even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven,

for the Word would shut him out.

 187.  Thus was I always sinking, whatever I did think or do.  So one

day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the

street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my

sin had brought me to; and, after long musing, I lifted up my head, but

methought I saw as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to

give light, and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the

houses, did bend themselves against me; methought that they all combined

together to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of them, and

unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I

had sinned against the Saviour.  O how happy, now, was every creature

over what I was; for they stood fast and kept their station, but I was

gone and lost.

 188.  Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself,

with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had no

sooner said it but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a

voice, This sin is not unto death.  At which I was as if I had been

raised out of a grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldest Thou find

out such a word as this?  for I was filled with admiration at the

fitness, and, also, at the unexpectedness of the sentence, the fitness

of the word, the rightness of the timing of it, the power, and

sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it, was marvellous to me

to find.  I was now, for the time, out of doubt as to that about which I

so much was in doubt before; my fears before were, that my sin was not

pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that

if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me.  But now, thought

I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore, from

this I have encouragement to come to God, by Christ, for mercy, to

consider the promise of forgiveness as that which stands with open arms

to receive me, as well as others.  This, therefore, was a great easement

to my mind; to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin

unto death (1 John 5.16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble,

by their own experience, was, can tell what relief came to my soul by

this consideration; it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a

shelter from my former storm.  I seemed now to stand upon the same

ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and

prayer as any of them.

 189.  Now, I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but

that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness.  But oh, how

Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!  But he could by

no means do it, neither this day nor the most part of the next, for this

sentence stood like a mill-post at my back; yet, towards the evening of

the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw its

supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with

a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of

despair; nor could my faith now longer retain this word.

 190.  But the next day, at evening, being under many fears, I went to

seek the Lord; and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in

these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech thee, show me that

thou hast loved me with everlasting love (Jer.  31.3). I had no sooner

said it but, with sweetness, this returned upon me, as an echo or

sounding again, 'I have loved thee with an everlasting love.'  Now I

went to bed at quiet; also, when I awaked the next morning, it was fresh

upon my soul-and I believed it.

 191.  But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as

an hundred times that he that day did labour to break my peace.  Oh!

the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold

by this word; that of Esau would fly in my face like to lightning.  I

should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour, yet God did

bear me up and keep my heart upon this world, from which I had also, for

several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of

pardon; for thus it was made out to me, I loved thee whilst thou wast

committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will

love thee for ever.

 192.  Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could

not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had

horribly abused the holy Son of God; wherefore, I felt my soul greatly

to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He

was still my Friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and

affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ

did work, at this time, such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon

myself for the abuse I had done unto him, that, to speak as I then

thought, had I a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could

freely then have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord

and Saviour.

 193.  And as I was thus in musing and in my studies, considering how to

love the Lord and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon

me, 'If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, 0 Lord, who shall stand?

But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared' (Ps.

130.3, 4). These were good words to me, especially the latter part

thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might

be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved and

had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, that the great God did

set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather

than He would go without their love He would pardon their

transgressions.

 194.  And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed

by it, Then shall they be ashamed and confounded, 'and never open their

mouth any more because of their shame, when I am pacified towards them

for all that they have done, saith the Lord God' (Ezek.  16.63). Thus

was my soul at this time, and, as I then did think, for ever, set at

liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

 195.  But before many weeks were over I began to despond again, fearing

lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be

deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong

into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have

from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in

my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the Scriptures, let me

think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no

such thing at the end; 'for the Scripture cannot be broken' (John

10.35).

 196.  Now began my heart again to ache and fear I might meet with

disappointment at the last, wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to

examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned

as I have done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of

God, laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which

I had leaned myself.  But now were brought those sayings to my mind,

'For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have

tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,

and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to

come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance'

(Heb.  6.4-6). 'For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the

knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, but

a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which

shall devour the adversaries' (Heb.  10.26, 27). Even 'as Esau, who for

one morsel of meat sold his birthright; for ye know how that afterward,

when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found

no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears' (Heb.

12.16, 17) .

 197.  Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no

promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me; and now

would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, 'Rejoice not, O

Israel, for joy as other people' (Hos.  9.1). For I saw indeed there was

cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but as for me, I had

cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold,

nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the precious word of

life.

 198.  And truly I did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as an house

whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition,

unto the case of a child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though it

could make some shift to scrabble and spraul in the water, yet because

it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must

die in that condition.  So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my

soul, that scripture came into my heart, 'This is for many days' (Dan.

10.14). And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor

brought to peace again, until well-nigh two years and an half were

completely finished.  Wherefore these words, though in themselves they

tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be

eternal, they were at sometimes as an help and refreshment to me.

 199.  For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have

an end, therefore seeing I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many

days, yet I was glad it was but for many days.  Thus, I say, I could

recall myself sometimes, and give myself a help, for as soon as ever the

words came into my mind at first, I knew my trouble would be long; yet

this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on this, nor

ever be helped by it, though I did.

 200.  Now while these scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my

door, that saying in the eighteeneth of Luke, with others, did encourage

me to prayer.  Then the tempter again laid at me very sore, suggesting,

That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all

concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; therefore it was in vain

to pray.  Yet, thought I, I will pray.  But, said the tempter, your sin

is unpardonable.  Well, said I, I will pray.  It is to no boot, said he.

Yet, said I, I will pray.  So I went to prayer to God; and while I was

at prayer, I uttered words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me that

neither Thy mercy, nor Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul;

Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt and canst?  or

him, by believing Thou neither wilt nor canst?  Lord, I would fain

honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.

 201.  And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my

heart, 'O woman, great is thy faith' (Matt.  15.28), even as if one had

clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God.  Yet I was not

able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six

months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there

should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be as

sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a

sad condition, crying, Is His mercy clean gone?  Is His mercy clean gone

for ever?  And I thought sometimes, even when I was groaning in these

expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or no; yet

I greatly feared it was.

 202.  There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out

of doubt, as to this thing in question; and, as I was vehemently

desiring to know if there was indeed hopes for me, these words came

rolling into my mind, 'Will the Lord cast off for ever?  and will he be

favourable no more?  Is his mercy clean gone for ever?  Doth his promise

fail for evermore?  Hath God forgotten to be gracious?  Hath he in anger

shut up his tender mercies?'  (Ps.  77.7-9). And all the while they run

in my mind, methought I had this still as the answer, It is a question

whether He had or no; it may be He hath not.  Yea, the interrogatory

seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not,

nor would so cast off, but would be favourable; that His promise doth

not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in

anger shut up His tender mercy.  Something, also, there was upon my

heart at the same time, which I now cannot call to mind; which, with

this text, did sweeten my heart, and made me conclude that His mercy

might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

 203.  At another time, I remember I was again much under the question,

Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul?  In which

doubt I continued from morning till about seven or eight at night: and

at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it

should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my

heart, He is able.  But methought this word scaps able was spoke so loud

unto me; it showed such a great word, it seemed to be writ in great

letters, and gave such a justle to my fear and doubt; I mean for the

time it tarried with me, which was about a day, as I never had from that

all my life, either before or after that (Heb.  7.25).

 204.  But one morning, when I was again at prayer, and trembling under

the fear of this, that no word of God could help me, that piece of a

sentence darted in upon me, 'My grace is sufficient.'  At this methought

I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh, how good a thing

it is for God to send His word!  For about a fortnight before I was

looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my

soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet.  Then I

thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now,

it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not only enclose

me, but many more besides.

 205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding

conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be

in and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble

presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong as full of fear

and guilt as ever heart could hold; and this was not only now and then,

but my whole seven weeks' experience; for this about the sufficiency of

grace, and that of Esau's parting with his birthright, would be like a

pair of scales within my mind, sometimes one end would be uppermost, and

sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or

trouble.

 206.  Therefore I still did pray to God, that He would come in with

this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to

apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, I

gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to

hope there might be mercy for me, 'My grace is sufficient'; and though

it came no farther, it answered my former question; to wit, that there

was hope; yet, because 'for thee' was left out, I was not contented, but

prayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, as I was in a meeting

of God's people, full of sadness and terror, for my fears again were

strong upon me; and as I was now thinking my soul was never the better;

but my case most sad and fearful, these words did, with great power,

suddenly break in upon me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee, my grace is

sufficient for thee, my grace is sufficient for thee,' three times

together; and, oh!  methought that every word was a mighty word unto me;

as my, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and

sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

 207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as

though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the tiles

upon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me mourning home, it

broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust;

only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing

comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage

me to hope.  But so soon as that powerful operation of it was taken off

my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before; so my soul

did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and sometimes down,

now in peace, and anon again in terror.

 208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes

tormented; and, especially at some times, my torment would be very sore,

for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before

me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.  Then,

again, I should begin to repent that ever that thought went through me,

I should also think thus with myself, Why, how many scriptures are there

against me?  There are but three or four: and cannot God miss them, and

save me for all of them?  Sometimes, again, I should think, Oh!  if it

were not for these three or four words, now how I might be comforted?

And I could hardly forbear, at some times, but to wish them out of the

book.

 209.  Then methought I should see as if both Peter, and Paul, and John,

and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in

derision; and as if they said unto me, All our words are truth, one of

as much force as another.  It is not we that have cut you off, but you

have cast away yourself; there is none of our sentences that you must

take hold upon but these, and such as these: 'It is impossible; there

remains no more sacrifice for sin' (Heb.  6). And 'it had been better

for them not to have known' the will of God, 'than, after they have

known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them' (II

Pet.  2.21). 'For the Scriptures cannot be broken.'

 210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the

judges both of my case and me, while I stood, with the avenger of blood

at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance, also with a

thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for

ever (Josh.  20.3, 4).

 211.  Thus was I confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be

satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the

salvation of my soul?  I quaked at the apostles, I knew their words were

true, and that they must stand for ever.

 212.  And I remember one day, as I was in diverse frames of spirit, and

considering that these frames were still according to the nature of the

several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was

I quiet; but if that of Esau, then tormented; Lord, thought I, if both

these scriptures would meet in my heart at once, I would which of them

would get the better of me.  So methought I had a longing mind that they

might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

 213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they

bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me

for a while; at last, that about Esau's birthright began to wax weak,

and withdraw, and vanish and this about the sufficiency of grace

prevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about this thing,

that scripture came home upon me, 'Mercy rejoiceth against judgment'

(Jas.  2.13).

 214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly I am apt to think it was

of God; for the word of the law and wrath must give place to the word of

life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious,

yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory (II Cor.

3.8-12; Mark 9.5-7). Also, that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and

leave Christ and His saints alone.

 215.  This scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, 'And him that

cometh to me I will in no wise cast out' (John 6.37). Oh, the comfort

that I have had from this word, 'in no wise'! as who should say, by no

means, for no thing, whatever he hath done.  But Satan would greatly

labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me that Christ did not

mean me, and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done

as I had done.  But I should answer him again, Satan, here is in this

word no such exception; but 'him that comes', scaps him, any him; 'him

that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.'  And this I well remember

still, that of all the sleights that Satan used to take this scripture

from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come

aright?  And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew

full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright was to

come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet

of mercy, condemning myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for

any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he

at one end and I at the other.  Oh, what work did we make!  It was for

this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive; he pulled and I

pulled; but, God be praised, I got the better of him, I got some

sweetness from it.

 216.  But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace,

yet that of Esau's selling of his birthright would still at times

distress my conscience; for though I had been most sweetly comforted,

and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, it would make

me fear again, I could not be quite rid thereof, it would every day be

with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the

nature of this blasphemous thought; I mean, if I should take the words

at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even

every word therein.  So when I had thus considered, I found, that if

they were fairly taken, they would amount to this, that I had freely

left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour

or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go if He will.  Then

that scripture gave me hope, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee'

(Heb.  13.5). O Lord, said I, but I have left Thee.  Then it answered

again, 'But I will not leave thee.'  For this I thank God also.

 217.  Yet I was grievously afraid He should, and found it exceedingly

hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him.  I could have been

exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen, for then I thought

I could, with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned upon His

grace.  I see it was with me, as it was with Joseph's brethren; the

guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their

brother would at last despise them (Gen.  50.15-17).

 218.  But above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in

the twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of

the slayer that was to flee for refuge.  And if the avenger of blood

pursue the slayer, then, saith Moses, they that are the elders of the

city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hand, because he smote his

neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime.  Oh, blessed be God

for this word; I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the

avenger of blood pursued me, that I felt with great terror; only now it

remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of

refuge.  So I found that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: it

was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did

unawares shed blood; not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it

unwittingly, even he who did not hate his neighbour before.  Wherefore:

 219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had

smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime.  I hated

Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against

Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a

twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it

did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had right to enter this

city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up.

This, therefore, was great comfort to me; and did give me much ground of

hope.

 220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not

what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul

did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be

possible for any soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin, yet

after that to receive though but the least true spiritual comfort from

God through Christ?  The which, after I had much considered, I found the

answer was, No, they could not, and that for these reasons:

 221.  First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred

a share in the blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must

needs be void of the least ground of hope.  and so of spiritual comfort;

for to such 'there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins' (Heb 10.26).

Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life; they

shall never be forgiven, 'neither in this world, neither in that which

is to come' (Matt.  12.32). Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also

from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own

them both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven (Mark

8.38).

 222.  When I had, with much deliberation, considered of this matter,

and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too

after this my wicked sin; then, methought, I durst venture to come nigh

into those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this

while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which, indeed, before I

durst scarce cast mine eye, yea, had much ado an hundred times to

forbear wishing them out of the Bible; for I thought they would destroy

me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement to

come close to them, to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their

scope and tendency.

 223.  The which, when I began to do, I found their visage changed; for

they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did.  And,

first, I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it

should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling

there intended was a falling quite away; that is, as I conceived, a

falling from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins

by Christ; for from them the apostle begins his argument (ver.  1-3).

Secondly, I found that this falling away must be openly, even in the

view of the world, even so as 'to put Christ to an open shame'. Thirdly,

I found that those he there intended were for ever shut up of God, both

in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: it is impossible they should be

renewed again unto repentance.  By all these particulars, I found, to

God's everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from the

profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.  Secondly, I confessed

that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I

did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless one before

the world.  Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied

me to come, though I found it hard work indeed to come to Him by sorrow

and repentance.  Blessed be God for unsearchable grace.

 224.  Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews, and found

that the wilful sin there mentioned is not every wilful sin, but that

which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too.  Secondly,

That must also be done openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer

that of the law ( ver.  28). Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but

with great despite done to the Spirit of grace; despising both the

dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary.  But the

Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to

these.

 225.  And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews, about Esau's

selling his birthright, though this was that which killed me, and stood

like a spear against me; yet now I did consider, First, That his was not

a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought

consented to and put in practice likewise, and that too after some

deliberation (Gen.  25). Secondly, it was a public and open action, even

before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far

more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been.  Thirdly, He

continued to slight his birthright: 'He did eat and drink, and went his

way; thus Esau despised his birthright' (ver.  34). Yea, twenty years

after, he was found to despise it still.  'And Esau said, I have enough,

my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself' (Gen.  33.9).

 226.  Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance;

thus I thought, first, This was not for the birthright, but for the

blessing; this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau

himself; 'He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); and behold,

now he hath taken away my blessing' (Gen.  27.36). Secondly, Now, this

being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be

the mind of God, in a New Testament style and sense, concerning Esau's

sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the

birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing the eternal

inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint, 'Lest there be any

profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his

birthright'; as if he should say, Lest there be any person amongst you

that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God that at present

are upon him, in order to a new birth, lest they become as Esau, even be

rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.

 227.  For many there are who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise

those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when

the deciding day appears, will cry as loud as Esau, 'Lord, Lord, open to

us'; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the Father,

but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall be blessed; but

as for you, depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity (Gen.  27.33;

Luke 13.25-27).

 228.  When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus

to understand them was not against, but according to other scriptures;

this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave

a great blow to that objection, to wit, that the scripture could not

agree in the salvation of my soul.  And now remained only the hinder

part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops

did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my

former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it did oft

befal me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire, I

thought every voice was Fire, fire; every little touch would hurt my

tender conscience.

 229.  But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with

some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right,

suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in

heaven; and methought withal, I saw, with the eyes of my soul, Jesus

Christ at God's right hand; there, I say, is my righteousness; so that

wherever I was, or whatever I was a-doing, God could not say of me, He

wants my righteousness, for that was just before Him.  I also saw,

moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my

righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness

worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, the same

yesterday, and to-day, and for ever (Heb.  13.8).

 230.  Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed, I was loosed from my

affliction and irons, my temptations had fled away; so that, from that

time, those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me now; now

went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God.  So when I

came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence, Thy

righteousness is in heaven; but could not find such a saying, wherefore

my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance,

He 'of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and

sanctification, and redemption' by this word I saw the other sentence

true (1 Cor.  1.30).

 231.  For by this scripture, l saw that the man Christ Jesus, as He is

distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our

righteousness and sanctification before God.  Here, therefore, I lived

for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh,

methought, Christ!  Christ!  there was nothing but Christ that was

before my eyes, I was not only for looking upon this and the other

benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but

considered Him as a whole Christ!  As He in whom all these, and all

other His virtues, relations, offices, and operations met together, and

that as He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.

 232.  It was glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and

prevalency of all His benefits, and that because of this: now I could

look from myself to Him, and should reckon that all those graces of God

that now were green in me, were yet but like those cracked groats and

fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their

gold is in their trunks at home!  Oh, I saw my gold was in my trunk at

home!  In Christ, my Lord and Saviour!  Now Christ was all; all my

wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my

redemption.

 233.  Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with

the Son of God, that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh,

and bone of His bone, and now was that a sweet word to me in Eph.  5.30.

By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more

confirmed to me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was

mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine.  Now could I see myself in

heaven and earth at once; in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my

righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.

 234.  Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God, and should also be

looked on by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole

body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we

fulfilled the law by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory

over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died; and

so of His resurrection.  'Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead

body shall they arise,' saith he (Isa.  26.19). And again, 'After two

days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we

shall live in his sight' (Hos.  6.2); which is now fulfilled by the

sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the

heavens, according to that to the Ephesians, He 'hath raised us up

together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus'

(Eph.  2.6).

 235.  Ah, these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others

of a like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes, so

that I have cause to say, 'Praise ye the Lord.  Praise God in his

sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power.  Praise him for his

mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness' (Ps.

150.1, 2).

 236.  Having thus, in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and

affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my

wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my

deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met

with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart,

to my unspeakable admiration; I will now, God willing, before I proceed

any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the

cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the

last, it became unto my soul.

 237.  For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which

two I also was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me.

The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the

temptation that went before, still pray to God to keep me from

temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my

soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed

only, or at the most, principally for the removal of present troubles,

and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards

was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would

keep me from the evil that was to come.

 238.  Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David,

who, when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him

back from sin and temptation to come; 'Then,' saith he, 'shall I be

upright, I shall be innocent from the scaps great transgression' (Ps.

19.13). By this very word was I galled and condemned, quite through this

long temptation.

 239.  That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly,

in the neglect of this duty (Heb 4.16), 'Let us therefore come boldly

unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to

help in time of need.'  This I had not done, and therefore was suffered

thus to sin and fall, according to what is written, 'Pray that ye enter

not into temptation.'  And truly this very thing is to this day of such

weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go

off my knees, until I entreat Him for help and mercy against the

temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou

learn to beware of my negligence, by the affliction that for this thing

I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

 240.  Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and

on this manner did I do it.  Upon a time my wife was great with child,

and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail,

were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have immediately

fallen in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth.  Now, at this

very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the

being of God, wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with

all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou wilt

now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be

troubled no more therewith this night, and now were her pangs just upon

her, then I shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thoughts

of the heart.

 241.  I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken

from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so she continued till

morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but

after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell

to sleeping also.  So when I waked in the morning, it came upon me

again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord

had showed me that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great

astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

 242.  Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful

thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,

even this thought, Let Christ go if He will; so when I was fallen under

guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect

thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried

rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most secret

thoughts of the heart.

 243.  And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord

and His servant Gideon fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon

tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have

believed and ventured upon his words, therefore the Lord did afterwards

so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies;

and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help

(Judg.  6, 7). Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have

believed His word, and not have put an scaps if upon the all-seeingness

of God.

 244.  And now to show you something of the advantages that I also

gained by this temptation; and first, By this I was made continually to

possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the being and glory of

God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my soul

was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions

about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and certainty of

the world to come; I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented

with atheism; but now the case was otherwise, now was God and Christ

continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way

of exceeding dread and terror.  The glory of the holiness of God did at

this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ

did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost

and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which was as the continual

breaking of my bones.

 245.  The Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that

the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven;

those that the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss, but those that

they oppose and condemn must perish evermore.  Oh!  this word, 'For the

Scriptures cannot be broken,' would rend the caul of my heart; and so

would that other, 'Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto

them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.'  Now I saw

the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge (Josh.  20.4), those

that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they

shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

 246.  Oh!  one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify

my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I

thought they every one did, more, I say, than an army of forty thousand

men that might have come against me.  Woe be to him against whom the

Scriptures bend themselves.

 247.  By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the

promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the

mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thunderings of His

justice; this made me, with careful heart and watchful eye, with great

seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed

with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural

force and latitude.

 248.  By this temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former

foolish practice, of putting by the word of promise when it came into my

mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from

the promise as I had done at other times, yea, like to a man a-sinking,

I should catch at all I saw; formerly I thought I might not meddle with

the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now it was no time thus to

do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

 249.  Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I

feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom

of that promise, that yet I feared did shut its heart against me.  Now

also I should labour to take the Word as God had laid it down, without

restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof.  O what did I now

see in that blessed sixth of John, 'And him that cometh to me I will in

no wise cast out' (ver.  37). Now I began to consider with myself, that

God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with.

I thought also with myself that He spake not His words in haste, or in

unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth

and faithfulness.

 250.  I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even

flounce towards the promise, as the horses do towards sound ground that

yet stick in the mire, concluding, though as one almost bereft of his

wits through fear, on this I will rest and stay, and leave the

fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it.  Oh!  many a pull

hath my heart had with Satan for that sixth of John.  I did not now, as

at other times, look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome

would it have been unto me!  But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul

upon, that I might not sink for ever!  it was that I hunted for.

 251.  Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as

if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever.  I was often as if I had run

upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from Him

as with a flaming sword.  Then I should think of Esther, who went to

petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4.16). I thought also of

Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their

enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20.31). The woman of Canaan also, that would

not be daunted, though called dog by Christ (Matt.  15.21-8); and the

man that went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11.5-8), were great

encouragements unto me.

 252.  I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and

mercy, as I saw after this temptation.  Great sins to draw out great

grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of

God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty.

When Job had passed through his captivity, he had 'twice as much as he

had before' (Job 42.10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord.  Many

other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and

therefore shall at this time omit them, and do pray God that my harms

may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron

yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this

temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could

hardly bear up under it, it was so out of measure amazing, when I

thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it had

abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

 253.  Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the

Lord's leadings with me, of His dealings with me at sundry other

seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal.  I shall begin

with what I met when I first did join in fellowship with the people of

God in Bedford.  After I had propounded to the church that my desire was

to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also

admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ,

which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that

scripture, 'This do in remembrance of me' (Luke 22.19), was made a very

precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my

conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then

felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same.  But, behold, I

had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad

temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the

ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat

thereof; that, lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to

these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the

while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies; and also to cry

to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went from mouth to

mouth.  The reason of this temptation I have thought since was, because

I did not, with that reverence as became me, at first approach to

partake thereof.

 254.  Thus I continued for three-quarters of a year, and could never

have rest nor ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that

same scripture by which my soul was visited before; and after that I

have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that

blessed ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord's body

as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my

transgressions.

 255.  Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption, wherewith,

about the spring, I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness

in my outward man, insomuch that I thought I could not live.  Now began

I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and

condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to

come; for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as

always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my

interest in the life to come clear before my eye.

 256.  But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience

of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind

an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions, amongst which

these were at this time most to my affliction, namely, my deadness,

dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my

wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways, and

people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of

Christianity?  are these the tokens of a blessed man?

 257.  At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon

me, for now was I sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt;

now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me quite taken

out of my mind, and hid as if it had never been, nor seen.  Now was my

soul greatly pinched between these two considerations.  Live I must not,

Die I dare not; now I sunk and fell in my spirit; and was giving up all

for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a

most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are

'justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ

Jesus' (Rom.  3.24). But oh, what a turn it made upon me!

 258.  Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and

dream, and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard

it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins

and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but behold My Son is by Me, and

upon Him I look, and not on thee, and will deal with thee according as I

am pleased with Him.  At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and

made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was

but His looking upon Christ, and imputing of His benefits to us, and the

work was forthwith done.

 259.  And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great

power upon my spirit, 'Not by works of righteousness which we have done,

but according to his mercy he saved us,' etc.  (Tit.  3.5; II Tim.

1.9). Now was I got on high; I saw myself within the arms of grace and

mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now

I cried, Let me die.  Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight;

for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world.

Oh, methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above; at

this time also I saw more in those words, 'Heirs of God' (Rom.  8.17),

than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world.  'Heirs

of God'! God Himself is the portion of the saints.  This I saw and

wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

 260.  Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time

also the tempter did beset me strongly, for I find he is much for

assaulting the soul when it begins to approach towards the grave, then

is his opportunity, labouring to hide from me my former experience of

God's goodness; also setting before me the terrors of death and the

judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of

miscarrying for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death

came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;

methought, I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold,

just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angels

carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should

say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world.  This did

sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which, when I had

with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my

mind, 'O death, where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thy victory?'  (1

Cor.  15.55). At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for

my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work

for God again.

 261.  At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury

in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,

which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if

I had never seen or known them in my life; was also so overrun in my

soul, with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel

my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my

loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound

with chains.  At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my

outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and

uncomfortable to me.

 262.  After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I

was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart,

I must go to Jesus; at this my former darkness and atheism fled away,

and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view.  While I was

on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife, said I, is there ever

such a scripture, I must go to Jesus?  She said she could not tell,

therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place; I

had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me,

'And to an innumerable company of angels,' and withal, Hebrews the

twelfth, about the mount Sion, was set before mine eyes (ver.  22-4).

 263.  Then with joy I told my wife, O now I know, I know!  But that

night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for

the company of some of God's people that I might have imparted unto them

what God had showed me.  Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that

night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,

through Christ; this great glory did not continue upon me until morning,

yet that twelfth of the author of (Hebrews 12:22-4) was a blessed

scripture to me for many days together after this.

 264.  The words are these, 'Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the

city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable

company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn,

which are written in heaven, and to God the Judge of all, and to the

spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the mediator of the new

covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things

than that of Abel.'  Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over

and over, first to this word, and then to that, and showed me wonderful

glory in every one of them.  These words also have oft since this time

been great refreshment to my spirit.  Blessed be God in having mercy on

me.

A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S CALL TO THE WORK OF THE MINISTRY

265.  And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust

in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word, and of God's dealing

with me in that particular also.  For after I had been about five or six

years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of

Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him,

some of the most able among the saints with us, I say the most able for

judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God

had counted me worthy to understand something of His will in His holy

and blessed Word, and had given me utterance, in some measure, to

express what I saw to others for edification; therefore they desired me,

and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes,

to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation

unto them.

266.  The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my

spirit, yet being still by them desired and intreated, I consented to

their request, and did twice at two several assemblies, but in private,

though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them;

at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the

sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted, and gave

thanks to the Father of mercies for the grace bestowed on me.

267.  After this, sometimes when some of them did go into the country to

teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet

I did not, nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more

privately still as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did

sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which, they as

the other received, with rejoicing at the mercy of God to meward,

professing their souls were edified thereby.

268.  Wherefore, to be brief, at last, being still desired by the

church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more

particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public

preaching of the Word, not only to, and amongst them that believed, but

also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith

thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret

pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain

glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts

of the devil concerning my eternal state.

269.  But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise

of my gift, unto which I was greatly animated, not only by the continual

desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the

Corinthians, 'I beseech you, brethren (ye know the household of

Stephanas, that it is the firstfruits of Achaia, and that they have

addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints), that ye submit

yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and

laboureth' (I Cor.  16.15, 16) .

270.  By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended

that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but

rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and

also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do, 'They have

addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints.'  This scripture, in

these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me and

strengthen me in this work for God; I have also been encouraged from

several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in

the Word and other ancient histories (Act.  8.4; 18.24, 25; 1 Pet.

4.10; Rom.  12.6; Foxe's Acts and Mounments).

271.  Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy,

yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own

weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the

proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed

me in the holy Word of truth; which, when the country understood, they

came in to hear the Word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though

upon sundry and divers accounts.

272.  And I thank God He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity

for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great

diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God

would bless it, lay hold of and awaken the conscience, in which the good

Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached

long before some began to be touched by the Word, and to be greatly

afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their

sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

273.  But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to

the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who were

thus touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me; and

though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still

they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God; they

would also bless God for me, unworthy wretch that I am!  and count me

God's instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

274.  Wherefore, seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so

constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the

knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where

they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned

in His work such a foolish one as I, and then came that word of God to

my heart with much sweet refreshment, 'The blessing of him that was

ready to perish came upon me; and I caused the widow's heart to sing for

joy' (Job 29.13).

275.  At this therefore I rejoiced, yea, the tears of those whom God did

awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me; for

I thought on those sayings, 'Who is he that maketh me glad but the same

which is made sorry by me?'  (11 Cor.  2.2); and again, Though 'I be not

an apostle to others, yet doubtless I am to you: for the seal of mine

apostleship are ye in the Lord' (1 Cor.  9.2). These things, therefore,

were as another argument unto me that God had called me to, and stood by

me in this work.

276.  In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one

thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His Word begins

with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege that

the curse of God, by the law, doth belong to and lay hold on all men as

they come into the world, because of sin.  Now this part of my work I

fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my

transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience.  I preached what I felt,

what I smartingly did feel, even that under which my poor soul did groan

and tremble to astonishment.

277.  Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went

myself in chains to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in

my own conscience that I persuaded them to beware of.  I can truly say,

and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have

gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door, and there it hath

been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done

my work, and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit

stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on, but

surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off

my work.

278.  Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against men's

sins, and their fearful state because of them.  After which the Lord

came in upon my own soul with some staid peace and comfort through

Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace

through Him.  Wherefore now I altered in my preaching, for still I

preached what I saw and felt; now therefore I did much labour to hold

forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the

world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those

false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them

fall and perish.  On these things also I staid as long as on the other.

279.  After this, God led me into something of the mystery of union with

Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also.  And when I

had travelled through these three chief points of the Word of God, about

the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice and

cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again, to confirm the

truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according

to the Scriptures in a way of preaching.

280.  When I have been preaching, I thank God, my heart hath often all

the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness, cried

to God that He would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the

soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the Word away from

the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful.  Wherefore I did

labour so to speak the Word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the

sin and the person guilty might be particularized by it.

281.  Also, when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart to

think the Word should now fall as rain on stony places, still wishing

from my heart, 0 that they who have heard me speak this day did but see

as I do what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also what

the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such

a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him.  And, indeed, I did

often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently

before their eyes would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in

the truth, I gladly should be contented.

282.  For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been

engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel

of God had stood by at my back to encourage me.  Oh, it hath been with

such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been

labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the

consciences of others, that I could not be contented with saying, I

believe, and am sure; methought I was more than sure, if it be lawful so

to express myself, that those things which then I asserted were true.

283.  When I went first to preach the Word abroad, the doctors and

priests of the country did open wide against me.  But I was persuaded of

this, not to render railing for railing, but to see how many of their

carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law,

and of the want and worth of Christ; for, thought I, This shall answer

for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their

faces (Gen.  30.33).

284.  I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in

dispute amongst the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet

it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of

faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus;

but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw

they engendered strife, and because that they neither, in doing nor in

leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His.  Besides, I saw my work

before me did run in another channel even to carry an awakening word; to

that therefore did I stick and adhere.

285.  I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men's lines

(Rom.  15.18), though I condemn not all that do, for I verily thought,

and found by experience, that what was taught me by the Word and Spirit

of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to by the soundest and

best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I

know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text

of Scripture than many amongst men are aware (Gal.  1.11, 12).

286.  If any of those who were awakened by my ministry did after that

fall back, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say their loss hath

been more to me than if one of my own children, begotten of my body, had

been going to its grave; I think, verily, I may speak it without an

offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it was

the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul.  I have counted as

if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my

children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of

this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of

God by this than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world,

or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it!  O these words,

'He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a

soul from death' (Jas.  5.20). 'The fruit of the righteous is a tree of

life; and he that winneth souls is wise' (Prov.  11.30). 'They that be

wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn

many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever' (Dan.  12.3). 'For

what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing?  Are not even ye in the

presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming?  For ye are our glory

and joy' (1 Thess.  2.19, 20). These, I say, with many others of a like

nature, have been great refreshments to me.

287.  I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I

have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit to desire I

might preach there.  I have also observed that such and such souls in

particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to

wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this,

been given in as the fruits of my ministry.  I have also observed, that

a word cast in by the by hath done more execution in a sermon than all

that was spoken besides; sometimes also when I have thought I did no

good, then I did the most of all; and at other times when I thought I

should catch them I have fished for nothing.

288.  I have also observed, that where there hath been a work to do upon

sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts, and by the

mouths of his servants.  Yea, oftentimes when the wicked world hath

raged most, there hath been souls awaked by the word.  I could instance

particulars, but I forbear.

289.  My great desire in fulfilling my ministry was to get into the

darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were

farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the

light, for I feared not to show my gospel to any, but because I found my

spirit leaned most after awakening and converting work, and the Word

that I carried did lead itself most that way also; 'yea, so have I

strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should

build upon another man's foundation' (Rom.  15.20).

290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,

travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied

unless some fruits did appear in my work.  If I were fruitless it

mattered not who commended me; but if I were fruitful, I cared not who

did condemn.  I have thought of that, 'He that winneth souls is wise'

(Prov.  11.30); and again, 'Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord;

and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  As arrows in the hand of a

mighty man, so are children of the youth.  Happy is the man that hath

filled his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but they

shall speak with the enemies in the gate' (Ps.  127.3-5).

291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions if they

seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,

sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and an heart set on

fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathing after a truly

sanctified soul; that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I

counted blessed.

292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending

me, and that of diverse kinds, as sometimes I should be assaulted with

great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak

the Word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak

sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange

faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body that my legs have

scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.

293.  Sometimes, again, when I have been preaching, I have been

violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to

speak the words with my mouth before the congregation.  I have also at

some times, even when I have begun to speak the Word with much

clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending

of that opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things I have

been speaking, and have also been so straitened in my speech, as to

utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known or

remembered what I have been about, or as if my head had been in a bag

all the time of the exercise.

294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some

smart and scorching portion of the Word, I have found the tempter

suggest, What, will you preach this?  this condemns yourself; of this

your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you

do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of

awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul as you will

never get from under.

295.  But, I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these

so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Samson, bowed myself with all

my might, to condemn sin and transgression wherever I found it, yea,

though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience!  'Let me

die,' thought I, 'with the Philistines' (Judg.  16.29, 30), rather than

deal corruptly with the blessed Word of God, 'Thou that teachest

another, teachest not thou thyself?'  It is far better that thou do

judge thyself, even by preaching plainly to others, than that thou, to

save thyself, imprison the truth in unrighteousness; blessed be God for

His help also in this.

296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been

often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though I dare not

say I have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, of His

precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that, for the most part,

I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing; for it hath been

my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and

still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities

therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts

and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, the very mercy of

God to me (11 Cor.  12.7-9).

297.  I have had also, together with this, some notable place or other

of the Word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some

sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,

notwithstanding gifts and parts; as, for instance, that hath been of

great use unto me, 'Though I speak with the tongues of men and of

angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a

tinkling cymbal' (1 Cor.  13.1, 2).

298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful

player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who

hear him play can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal

hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art

of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to

naught and perish, though, in times past, such music hath been made upon

it.

299.  Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have gifts, but

want saving grace, they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the

hand of David; and as David could, with the cymbal, make that mirth in

the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so

Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His

people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by as

lifeless, though sounding cymbals.

300.  This consideration, therefore, together with some others, were,

for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain

glory; what, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass?

Is it so much to be a fiddle?  Hath not the least creature that hath

life, more of God in it than these?  Besides, I knew it was love should

never die, but these must cease and vanish; so I concluded, a little

grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than

all these gifts; yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is

possible for a soul that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great

confusion as to method, I say it is possible for them to have a thousand

times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord

than some who, by virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver

themselves like angels.

301.  Thus, therefore, I came to perceive, that though gifts in

themselves were good to the thing for which they are designed, to wit,

the edification of others; yet empty and without power to have the soul

of him that hath them, if they be alone; neither are they, as so, any

sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to

some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must, when a little

love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the

quick and the dead.

302.  This showed me, too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not

in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have

them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all of

which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every

unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into

the condemnation of the devil.

303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts had need be let into a

sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of

him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall

short of the grace of God.

304.  He hath also cause to walk humbly with God, and be little in his

own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but

the church's; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and

that he must give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord

Jesus; and to give a good account, will be a blessed thing.

305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord;

gifts indeed are desirable, but yet great grace and small gifts are

better than great gifts and no grace.  It doth not say, the Lord gives

gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such

an one to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for that is a certain

forerunner of glory.

306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of

me would not answer his design, to wit, to overthrow my ministry, and

make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof; then he tried another way,

which was to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious, to load me

with slanders and reproaches; now therefore I may say, that what the

devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down

the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they

should make my ministry to be abandoned.

307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people,

that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.

308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent.  But

as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the

tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for these things, with all

the rest of their iniquities, unless God shall give them repentance for

them, for the which I pray with all my heart.

309.  But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that

I had my misses, my whores, my bastards, yea, two wives at once, and the

like.  Now these slanders, with the other, I glory in, because but

slanders, foolish, or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the

devil and his seed; and should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the

world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God.  'Blessed

are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you, and persecute

you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for my sake;

rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for

so persecuted they the prophets which were before you' (Matt.  5.11).

310.  These things, therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not;

no, though they were twenty times more than they are.  I have a good

conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil doer, they

shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.

311.  So, then, what shall I say to those that have thus bespattered me?

Shall I threaten them?  Shall I chide them?  Shall I flatter them?

Shall I intreat them to hold their tongues?  No, not I, were it not for

that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and

abettors, I would say unto them, Report it, because it will increase my

glory.

312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament, it

belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached

and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my

conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ's

sake.

313.  I also calling all those fools, or knaves, that have thus made it

anything of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of

me, namely, that I have been naught with other women, or the like.  When

they have used to the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest

inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any

woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in

any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them;

and speak I thus, to beg mine enemies into a good esteem of me?  No, not

I: I will in this beg relief of no man; believe or disbelieve me in

this, all is a case to me.

314.  My foes have missed their mark in this their shooting at me.  I am

not the man.  I wish that they themselves be guiltless.  If all the

fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged by the neck till they

be dead, scaps John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be still

alive and well.  I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman

breathing under the copes of the whole heaven but by their apparel,

their children, or by common fame, except my wife.

315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of

women from my first conversion until now.  Those know, and can also bear

me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned, that it is

a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman, the common

salutation of a woman I abhor, it is odious to me in whosoever I see it.

Their company alone, I cannot away with.  I seldom so much as touch a

woman's hand, for I think these things are not so becoming me.  When I

have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that

have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it, and

when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have

told them, it is not a comely sight; some indeed have urged the holy

kiss but then I have asked why they made baulks, why they did salute the

most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go; thus, how laudable soever

such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in

my sight.

316.  And now for a wind up in this matter, I calling not only men, but

angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save

my wife, nor am I afraid to do it a second time, knowing that I cannot

offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul,

that in these things I am innocent.  Not that I have been thus kept,

because of any goodness in me more than any other, but God has been

merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me

still, not only from this, but from every evil way and work, and

preserve me to His heavenly kingdom.  Amen.

317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile

among my countrymen, that, if possible, my preaching might be made of

none effect, so there was added hereto a long and tedious imprisonment,

that thereby I might be frighted from my service for Christ, and the

world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach, of which I shall in

the next place give you a brief account.

 A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S IMPRISONMENT

 318.  Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long

time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a

meeting of good people in the country, among whom, had they let me

alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from

amongst them, and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered

security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me,

because my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach

no more to the people.

 THE CONCLUSION

 1.  Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question

the being of God, and the truth of His gospel, is the worst, and the

worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle

from me, and removeth the foundations from under me.  Oh, I have often

thought of that word, 'Have your loins girt about with truth'; and of

that, 'When the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?'

 2.  Sometimes, when, after sin committed, I have looked for sore

chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from

Him hath been the discovery of His grace.  Sometimes, when I have been

comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.

And then, again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise to

give such way to comfort.  With such strength and weight have both these

been upon me.

 3.  I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit

my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found

again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in

my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once

conceive what that God and that comfort was with which I have been

refreshed.

 4.  I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible than I could well

tell how to stand under, and yet at another time the whole Bible hath

been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, my heart hath been so dead and

dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least drachm of refreshment,

though I have looked it all over.

 5.  Of all tears, they are the best that are made by the blood of

Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning

over Christ.  Oh!  it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ

in our arms, before God.  I hope I know something of these things.

 6.  I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: (1) Inclinings

to unbelief.  (2) Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ

manifesteth.  (3) A leaning to the works of the law.  (4) Wanderings and

coldness in prayer.  (5) To forget to watch for that I pray for.  (6)

Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I

have.  (7) I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my

corruptions will thrust in themselves, 'When I would do good, evil is

present with me.'

 7.  These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and

oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good.  (1)

They make me abhor myself.  (2) They keep me from trusting my heart.

(3) They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness.

(4) They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus.  (5) They press me to

pray unto God.  (6) They show me the need I have to watch and be sober.

(7) And provoke me to look to God, through Christ, to help me, and carry

me through this world.  Amen.